Saying 'Yes' When You Mean 'No' Can Affect Your Mental Health—And Your Kids

A new study shows that we often accept invitations because we don't want to bother our friends, family and colleagues. This is why you should stop!

Fact verified by Sarah Scott

A few weeks ago, I received a text from a close friend I don't see very often, containing one of the best messages anyone has ever sent me: "I have to cancel our plans tomorrow." To my chest, I almost shed a tear, not from joy or sadness, but from relief.

I know what you're thinking: How good of a friend will I be if I feel so uncomfortable about canceled plans? So, you've already made those plans, knowing full well that they'll fall apart within days of your return from a busy week-long business trip. I wanted to say no, because I knew I would be dealing with loads of laundry, an empty refrigerator, and my daughter's busy schedule while needing time to myself.

But out of guilt I said yes, because me and this friend were late for an essential meeting. I said yes because I usually feel energized and refreshed after spending time together. So I said "yes" because I was afraid that saying "no" - even if I had good reasons for doing so - might hurt my friend and make him angry.

Instead, I made plans and then quickly thought about how to get through it (like many of us), knowing full well that I wouldn't be there for the reunion and knowing that it wouldn't be good for my mental health. Being so tired. My response when he canceled was "Don't worry!" See you again after the holiday. But this also increased my anxiety because I later regretted not being honest from the beginning.

It turns out I'm not the only one who feels compelled to say “yes,” even when my heart begs me to tell the truth “no.” I'm not the only one getting to the point where it's affecting my mental health.

In a recent study, more than 77% admitted that they accepted invitations to activities they did not want to participate in because they were worried about “the consequences of saying no.” The research also included experiments where participants were presented with different invitation scenarios and asked to imagine how they would reject them. In one such scenario, a friend invited him to dinner with a famous chef at a local restaurant on a Saturday night.

Two main conclusions emerged from this study. First, most participants believed that declining the invitation, even if they were not interested or available, would have an immediate and negative impact on their relationships.

The second reason, and I think the most important, is that people constantly overestimate if you decline an invitation from someone, especially someone you have a close relationship with.

After all, saying no won't end your relationship! But do you know what will happen? Saying yes when you don't mean it and feeling annoyed, bored, and absent-minded.

Many of these lessons apply not only to relationships with adults, but also to the lives of our children. Sometimes, saying no to overloading our children with activities and events can improve not only the parents' mental health, but their own as well.

power n

What I remember are the wonderful words of Taylor Swift: “It's me, hey, the problem is me, it's me!” » We have the ability to say no without affecting our relationships or social life and without causing permanent damage. Saying no is an exercise in self-care and setting boundaries.

“Boundaries show others how far they can go, which protects us,” explains Aura de los Santos, clinical psychologist and EHproject specialist. “Saying no helps us avoid situations where we will later feel uncomfortable or have a bad attitude. It does not make us look bad in the eyes of others.

What will destroy relationships is saying “yes,” then backing off, and then saying “no.” De Los Santos recommends saying "no" from the beginning. This really helps us avoid awkward situations with the people we love.

That's why, according to clinical and forensic psychologist Leslie Dobson, it's important to remember that "no" is a complete sentence. “When we say ‘no’ to more than one person, it is because of our fear, our insecurity, and our desire to please people,” he explained. “Assertive communication and healthy boundaries help you maintain lasting happiness, empowerment, and control.”

Say no politely

Now, declining an invitation should always be done with respect, that is, with good manners. Jenny Drizen, modern etiquette expert and co-founder of Fresh Starts Registry, has a simple framework for declining invitations she calls the GUFF method (Thanks, Understanding, Disengagement, Optional Follow-up). Your waiver may follow this format:

Thank you: I'm happy for the invitation/Thank you for thinking of me/Thank you for the invitation!

Understanding: Sounds like a great event/I bet you'd enjoy it/What a unique idea.

Company number: We can't do that/We won't be there/We can't do that

Optional follow-up: I can't wait to find out/I can't wait to see the pictures/I'm sure you'll have a great time.

Let's show our children that it's okay to say no

But civility and civility aside, most parents can attest to the fact that being overly conservative and saying “yes” when we mean “no” has a negative impact on our children (yes, I'm upping the ante on this). . How many playdates, extracurricular activities, sports practices, birthday parties, shows and more can a child attend?

As adults, we must practice what we preach and model that behavior for our children. We can teach kids the important lesson of setting healthy boundaries at any age, says Marielle Benjamin, program director at Mount Sinai Parenting Center, LCSW.

"Talking with them about what we prioritize, what we need, and what we spend our time on can help us take better care of them as they grow," she says.

If you notice that your kids are losing interest in events and invitations because there are too many on their schedule, Benjamin recommends stopping immediately and evaluating what's on their plate.

“Get everything you can out of it and start over. Add things slowly when they're ready and prioritize family time, bonding, and relaxation,” says Benjamin.

However, your children should have a say before declining an invitation or deciding not to enroll in any extracurricular activity. If your child is serious about attending a party or class, you may want to reconsider, says Konkana Bakshi, founder of Savoir Faire Finishing School.

“It is always a good idea to give your child the option to accept or decline their invitation as it gives them independence,” says Bakshi. But if you decline the invitation, for yourself or your child, Bakshi advises "expressing remorse sooner rather than later," so the host doesn't get his hopes up and prepares accordingly.

"We try to be helpful, friendly, and kind to others. We often have high expectations of ourselves, ideas about the kind of person we are, and feelings of shame or guilt. The idea of ​​putting ourselves first."

Mariel Benjamin

It's good to be human

I worry a lot about instinctively saying yes to things I'm not ready to do, whether it's my mental ability or my schedule. I also do this with my daughter because I don't want her to miss anything or, God forbid, get bored. I also don't want him to be afraid of projects that should be challenging and satisfying — like the one I did with my old friends — because he's overly conservative, overstimulating, and over-the-top.

Benjamin describes us as social beings: “We are helpful, kind, and try to please others. We often have high expectations of ourselves, ideas about the kind of person we are, and feelings of shame or guilt for putting ourselves first.

This really amazed me. I don't want to feel ashamed or guilty for putting myself first, and I don't ever want my daughter to feel like putting herself and her needs first is wrong. So it's time to listen to my instincts when they want me to say no. This way I can say “yes” with confidence, excitement and enthusiasm. I haven't rescheduled my date with my boyfriend yet, but I can't wait to find the perfect stress-free time to be together!

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