My Husband Has A Bizarre Definition Of Being A StayatHome Dad. Its Driving Me Mad.

Grooming and Feeding is Slate's parenting advice column. Do you have questions about care and feeding? Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group .

Dear Care and Nourishment,

My husband hated the rat race, so he quit his regular job and stayed home when our child was young, and I (the wife) continued to work as a nanny because I wanted to take advantage of his career. Now that she has a full-time home job, she works a contract job with whatever schedule she wants, meaning she can work four or 40 hours a week, anytime, every day. Our child is now in primary school and attends school full time after school. A few weeks ago my husband was working two hours a week and I was working 55 hours the same week.

The problem is how we define what a SAHP does. My husband ONLY does our son's housework: cleaning, meals, laundry, chores, and games. I still plan, heal, clean the house, garden and cook for myself. He refuses to do anything I need him to do during the week, like dry cleaning or prescriptions (unless he needs to go to the pharmacy for himself or our baby) or general errands that I need him to do. Her explanation was that she quit her full-time job to take care of our kids, excluding me, while I saw it as a typical SAHP situation where the stay-at-home person could run errands for ALL members of the organization during the day. . cleaning outside the house on weekdays. My husband also reminds me that I'm an adult who needs to take care of me and he's entitled to his own time.

This means that in the evenings and weekends I am focused on other things and too tired to do anything else, which my husband doesn't like. He mentioned that my friends don't even have free time, and I replied: Nobody washes my clothes but me.'' This argument turned into a fight and my husband told me that I needed better time management skills and more respect for what he was doing at home and that my work was not the most important thing. Where do I go from here? Sometimes I think the divorce is easier because I'm still doing everything I do now, but sometimes I don't get mad at my husband for playing Xbox all day.

- Take the P in SAHP literally

Dear P,

Sorry, that sounds too complicated. Your husband needs to decide if he truly loves his partner and family or if he is just a father and doesn't care about anything else. And so it happened. I don't care how much or what kind of work someone does. The family does not have to be "every man for himself." Making a plate for yourself while cooking for the rest of the family seems trivial, if not downright cruel and isolating. This does not seem like a partnership to me. sounds like two people who broke up but couldn't afford to break their contract. I'm worried about the possibility of him firing you, and I'm worried about the example it could set for your child.

I'm not telling you to file for divorce. But I think you both really need marriage counseling. And he wanted to say something. I would also like to point you to the book The Two Income Trap by Senators Elizabeth Warren and Amelia Warren Tiaga, although it focuses on the economy, it does a good job of showing how single income households used to do and can give. you to use additional context. before and after consultation. I also covered some similar topics in last week's column if you want to check them out.

Bottom line. You must work together on behalf of the family. If he wants to benefit from your hard-earned profits, you should take advantage of his free calendar. I hate to put it in the terms of this industry, but it's true.

Submit your parenting and family life questions here . It is anonymous. (Questions may be edited for publication.)

Dear Care and Nourishment,

I have a wonderful and smart Mary, she is 3 and a half years old. In the last month or two, Maria began to "cough" constantly. It's not about getting out of trouble or getting anywhere. He is constantly picking up parts of his day. For example, I'll pick her up from daycare and ask her what she wants for a snack (I already know the answer) and she'll say "donuts, cookies, and chocolate milk." In the entire history of his preschool education, he had never eaten such a snack. I asked if they were playing in the gym because it was raining (again, I know they were) and he said, “No, I was too busy. Everyone goes to the gym, but I have to work." These little stories never caused any trouble and were often very funny, but he persevered even when pressed for evidence, which happened several times a day. I never made him feel like he was himself. in trouble and I might say "Oh, your teacher told me..." but I often ask more questions and "play". My oldest son never does. Is this a normal development and I can continue playing? “Or should I do something else?

- Completely in Fantasyland

Dear Fantasyland,

I do the same thing with my 4 year old. In my opinion, I am talking to her not because I need to know information, but to connect more, to connect after a day break and to help her practice her communication skills. So when he shared something I knew wasn't true, I didn't budge. I'm just going for a walk. If he ever tells me about a conflict with another student or teacher, it's important to remember this: I will listen, sympathize and advise, but until I speak the truth to an adult, I will not fully accept the truth. (Most of the time I believe the story is true, but it's been a few weeks).

Like you, my oldest child does not. I always attributed it to their differences in character; one is quite a practical and literal child and the other is a bit more dramatic. But if you think about it, telling a story like this is a really great way to see how your child's brain works; it's not just about the day. sufficient information, history, description, etc. can build a little fantasy in your mind. Amazing after three years of existence. If content isn't an issue, I think this is one of those parenting moments where you can come together and see the world through a child's eyes, full of possibilities.

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Dear Care and Nourishment,

My wife and I have three children. Our two older kids went to bed pretty quickly and slept well with no night sickness or nightmares. Our youngest is a very different story. He is almost 4 years old and has been waking frequently at night for the past six months. She needs to sleep, she's itching, she asks if it's vacation, any excuse under the sun. The biggest problem is that when I get up to put him back in, he starts yelling non-stop at my wife, waking up the whole house. He usually didn't do this during the day when he needed something. My husband was exhausted, I was exhausted, and our family was restless.

- I'm exhausted for Christmas

dear, tired

He was probably exhausted too, so he overreacted. I will try to do some practical things to get the fuse back. First, see if you can put limits on your awakening spells and find a way to calculate them visually. Maybe two hooks on the wall with 3 plastic rings on the hooks. Every time you get out of bed, move one loop from the right hook to the left. After he "handed in" all his rings, he had to stay in bed. It's a sort of countdown version of the OK-to-Wake-up clock. I would start with a number of calls equal to the average number of breaks it has, and then you can gradually increase it to the number you like (depending on your calls whether they are zero or not).

Another thing I would suggest is to have an object that indicates which parent is "on duty" that night. Maybe tacos next to the bed. Whoever is on duty is sorted. Explain this system and remind him when you return him to the room, "I'm letting you in because [the green bear] is my turn." This isn't a guarantee, but it's very likely that if there was a system or rule in place that established the responsibility of the transfer (rather than your wife leaving it to her own devices), her objections would be silenced. And if he wakes up and starts getting out of bed only when your wife is sleeping at night, you know there's probably something more important in terms of demanding more time as a mom... and it better be more at night. "talk" a lot. . to lock him awake. - KBS.

There's no guarantee that any of these ideas will work, but there's no guarantee with kids. Whatever method you try, make sure you stick with it for a few weeks before giving up. Changing habits is difficult, but with patience and persistence, it is possible. Power!

Dear Care and Nourishment,

My oldest child, "Becky," is a freshman at an overseas college. He really enjoyed it and did well in science and society. Recently, he admitted to me that he has been seeing "Samantha", who he met at orientation and became very close to. The problem is, Becky skipped a grade in elementary school, which means she won't be 18 until next year, and Samantha will have to repeat the grade. This means that Samantha is exactly two years older than Becky, but they are in the same year of college. Samantha seems like a great kid and has the same aspirations, goals and interests as Becky. I'm glad Becky is happy, but isn't 17 and 19 a big difference?

- He is too old for you

very old dear

I do not agree. Two years seems to be the outer limit of the "normal" age difference in college years. Under these circumstances, I would be more interested to see how differences in dating experience, length of separation, and other social factors would affect their first relationship. On the plus side, despite their chronological age, both children have been in the same peer group for the past several years and thus may have more similar frames of reference and emotional maturity at the time of introduction.

I think a better question to ask is if Becky is mature (emotionally or physically) for a relationship and how you can teach her if necessary as she lives independently. And of course you and/or Becky should check the sex laws where they currently live to make sure Samantha is protected from any legal issues.

- Allison

My wife and I each have our own business. One of our businesses is a fairly traditional professional services firm (such as an accountant, architect or lawyer) and the other is a more creative business (such as an artist, musician or writer). We both love our jobs, but one of us makes over $400,000 and the other makes about $40,000. Both take about the same amount of time to do their job well.

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